no it is just that I dont want to talk to you
no
not even see you
so miniscule and horrid
so hidden beneath
that only eyes that wonder where you are

what you are doing

can not deny you
only wonder
as eveything shrinks
and leaves the outdoors of
your hands
no scent
no magic
dried up

and
and
and
sometimes nothing changes

Use to write often,
had that feeling of watching
sensing ever sentence
waiting for the thread to unfold,
for each sculpture
and it was constant

now

im still waiting
reading and knowing
confirming that this is all my own making

go back to the beggining
start in movement
breathe
be still
trust

it all began when trust was broken.

Happy

Thursday

and on my way to work
and feeling the coffee on my desk and
waiting for the moment to shower and go
and feeling
and feeling

how the maniac energy roams around my room,
and the world turns waiting to be turned on
one step in front of the other
you move on
there is no other option
standing still takes your breath away
as something eat away your energy

so,

the option is to move forward
and if by chance you think you need to
repent and go backwards
as well it will eat away your energy

but if the impulse is so great that
you need to rage it out
to something or someone else
it may change the way you feel
but deplete you

and then again
where does that spilled energy
go?
who's mouth?
who's greed ?

so I say move forward
if you can dance
and laugh at yourself

laughter replenishes you
and moves like a roaring river
into a greater ocean

happy is energy that moves

Scorpio

REINITIALIZING,



RESETTING

REPROGRAMING FILES INSTALLED

AND REMEMBERING ....OBSOLETE

OBSOLETE

till the Scorpio comes in
cuddling on her shoulder
bites!
stopping frenetically the extremities
with cold and numb hands
unable to move forward

This is the morning after
the ground shook as the
sacrum butterfly
rocked back and forth

and the rain poured
over the morning dawn
grey skies and green jungle


as rivers gushed
rushing through the border side of the
yellow house
in mixtures of terciopelos
and toucans
and sompopas
crawling the walls
and kitchen counter

the scorpio crawls into
the warm cuddly sweaters
of the bedroom

just when you relax
the screaming begins.

Depression

Today while riding the bus, I was wondering how I haven’t written and it’s been a pretty dry season, literally speaking here in Costa Rica we are experiencing a serious dry heat wave in rainy season, where it is supposed to rain every day and sometimes all night long and everyday it seems like summer, and as far as my writing is concerned I have not sat down to write like I use to.

However, this morning during my one hour trip to work, I kept thinking about Robin Williams’ death, and I realize it doesn’t matter where you are, in my case “central America” you feel this great loss. His movies in general affected me, he carried a message, he transmitted the message and I would go as far to say he carried the light and it burned through his passion and art. He felt, and could transform like a magician transforms. Yet, he suffered depression, lack of a spirit connection some say, desperately seeking it,

too many falls, and it got to me, on the other side of the planet –

My whole family has suffered from depression, some of us tried to commit suicide more than once.

Some died.

Some drowned into alcoholism

Some are still denying any of the abuse happened.

“You just bury it and move on” Is one of the family’s motto to deal with the pain.

Some simply died while still alive

Some simply died while still living

Some tried drugs until they could feel nothing –

Some mutilated their bodies in order to feel.

And so you wonder after all this work,

This rise, this passion to give and make people laugh, these great films with great messages and all the money to prosper and share and help and give….

Then come home and be in so much pain, guilt, remorse, whatever shadow took over that was so overpowering that you had to slash your wrist and hang yourself to end this life. And perhaps that is all that he could give at the end.

There are people angry “it was too soon” was their comment from his suicide….like 20 years later it would of made a difference?

Others are saddened by this because we are all connected, and some of us have lived it closer than others,

Others prefer not to talk about it, feeling too exposed to reveal what the heart feels , and we do feel, I feel this loss like a brother I never met in person but a soul I knew.

Conversations with the Universe,



Mothers

my mother desintegrating
her life before her eyes

change of tone
no other choice
but the body claims,
disease erupting from her breast
through her skin
spread along the lymph nodes

no other choice but
moved by her pain
to forgive
ask to be forgiven

'Ill never change...she said"
but now its different,
life shortens
the body claims

her voice softens
with forgiveness
as her words change
as her skin is taken
piece by piece
patches of suffering

I tell her to use
aloe vera
to bring the cooleness of winter
on her skin
to seal with love
her open sores
one more chance to have an ally
to open conversation with the Earth

wishing a change
is not enough,
only a suspicion,
of what could be and a wish
that is not enough, wanting to go through with what is needed
willing, a strong will is necessary,
the support undoubtely
is in place
and then experience the courage
firing rising to the Sun

its early morning, just now winding down from all
the aviary announcements,
all the rooster calling
and the incessant hunger chicks joining in
for some more food,
some more fun

early dawn,
sometime just before sunrise,
when its an in between the night about to end
and the opening of a new day,
somwhere in between
the crack of another layer
the sun will come through
somewhere

that is the maze and winding road
of the long awaited journey,
yes...somewhere in between
is where it rests
waiting for you to open your eyes

there is no hope
no wish 
nor longing 
the crack opens wide 
with your hands so the SUNLIGHT
can walk in
so the MOONLIGHT 
can guide through
your movement, 
a strong will and persistence 
and belief will break through most things
and then there is others that simply is just 
not time,
more sleep,
more rest 
for other gestations

tic tac
tic tac 

With my eyes wide open and seeping through
the flow of my wind,
and the flow of humankind,

walking and dancing
to exist,
to savour each love encounter
those grandiose trees
brothers and sisters of mine,

i am dancing in your roots,
you see I see now,
and those hands that reach
to the sky,
to the neighbors house,
leaves over streets
each seed spread

tells me I am alive,
tells me there is more,
definitely something more

all over,
all around my words, our talk,
the walks,
take me ancient brothers and sisters.

I write that is what I do, 
I write to share my
discoveries, 
the beauty that i see
the sounds that I hear that mellow my heart
i see the 
blackbirds dancing under yellow flower leaveless trees
bathing in the sun,
i see
i see  the great hearing tree
the national tree of Costa Rica
green shaped by 
perfect ears, they say is the 'Signature of all Things
the 
being that designed everything
to show us, to talk to us
yes. it is the listening tree
you sit by a tree and close your eyes and drift away
to hear deep in the heart
the silence that is stillness that is able to
connect more profoundly to one another 
more profoundly of who we are
the Signature of all things, rings my ears that there is a
being behind all this 
consciousness of mother Earth
the great being that loves us into the womb as we sleep and  
yes it is supporting every step we take 
every word that we love
that we utter
every word, every fear forgotten  
it shelters us
and
liberated into our hands we see
i see 
there are beings that are with us
and embracing every single moment, thought, word 
each being like 
the wind is a being that carries every growing movement  
it moves us
shift us
shapes us
each wind 

i am the woman of west wind
and I move with God
that mysterious discovery of calmness
compassion, softness 
gentleness 
Yes
i acknowledge the heart of the west wind woman
riding and leading without shame
without chains,
travelling through  
here i am seeking to know, learning more about being completely transparent as I was born 
at the beggining, i long to recuperate that transparency fully
that we conquer when there is 
awe
passion 
excitement to 
see,
 how we can see always
if we still just believe

working and walking and breathing in my words to hear you...

Oropendolas fascinate me by their hanging nests from palm trees swinging with the wind, sun, storms, night and day, 'golden oriole' http://youtu.be/zDer1nof8ZU are day after day.

teach me the magic of song 

how to delve into the stillness of heart

teach me the tunes of melody when you 

fly into the sky 

teach me the intricate weaving of your nest 

to later flight into the woven darkness of your 

birth

before bursting into light