Starting Over

There is always a beginning when the truth is lay out on the table. All the thoughts of what you think that other person is doing or saying about you vanishes like a snowflake melting on the horizon, when you find out its really about you. So that is exactly what I did. It was time to move out of the paranoia and the deep serious talks I was having with myself and asking my friends: Is everything alright? When really it was me who was out of alignment. What does that really mean? I was not connected with Spirit, I was in my head instead of my heart. I was being driven, seduced by another wave of energy that I don't ride any more. I had thanked it, love it because it brought me to where I am now. But it is not mine, those thoughts, those feelings don't belong with this body any more. There is so much work to be done and I don't know if I have that much time so every second is precious.

The fact remains true I had not been able to continue my stories when I started smoking once again. Lighting up meant that I was willing to create that screen again and distant myself from the spiritual growth that happens when you decide to be sober. Sober from the delusion and negativity created in the mind. So don't get too serious, that is what I've learned from others so far. As soon as you get too serious Iam calling on the dualistic battle within myself.

So before the whole neighborhood turned against me or that the distance between my writings were no longer accessible I called a friend today. So the trick, start laughing I told myself. Think of all the funny things that have happened that make you laugh and if I can't find any, then I'll just have to make them up.

I know that I always laughed with my sister. She is my ascendant sign, my guide and looking back I realize that when I first got to this country I didn't speak English and she wanted a little sister so bad that she got one. Me. So her way of communicating with me was to make me laugh. I knew how to do that well back then. I was so serious and "deep"...that when I would burst and fall on to the floor of the bus, on our way to school, she would feel accomplished and connected with me. We would laugh about anything. Sticking our heads outside of the window and yelling and making funny faces to the people in line when going throught the central maket. By the time we got to the school we were exhausted but delighted.

So when I think of laughter, I think of my sister and even to this day we laugh like back then, rolling on the floor, holding our bellies and re-energizing ourselves.

So I am going to explore laughter with my little girl and see what the Spirit has in mind. I welcome any jokes. The day is clear, crisp with a west wind that is moving all sorts of things, so its time to dig in deep, to replant my roots and extend them even further.

I can do that when I lay out the secrets on the table, before you so they fade with smoke screen I create between you and I.

5 minutes

Leaves brown filtering through the beginning

That is my play at hand

With all the tools layed before me,

Emblem

Being the channel of light

Shining like a star,

como una estrella que se deleita con su titireteo,

Purple

That is what I imagine through my being instilled

To being a new beginning of knowing the unknown

Without my doings,

Here,

Long ago there was a time when all was play

And my beginning was the connection of all that came through

And I just need to share from this place of beginnings

Leaves brown fall instilled through the woods

Damp is the road,

Recycling is now overtaking what needs to be processed

Until we are this fertile soil in the compost

That is what you need to learn

The process of letting go

Stepping forward with full heart,

even if you are left alone

Even if there are a million people around you

Stepping forward with all imaginative force

I am typing…..with my little girl who next to me.

She is a pro, I just need to let go.

Here comes the Light

Here comes the violet blue opening
Here comes the yellow birthing
here comes your smile in orange and yellow
here comes joy opening my heart, your heart
my mother's heart, my child´s heart

and the aqua blue
green in all its shells
echoing the amber of your eyes
who travels with the lightning
pearl journey of each step you take

Here comes the cobalt blue
embraced by the purple sage
entering in each of your tear drops
Here comes the orange melon
swirling into the center of all worries
to blast into the fire of each sun

Here comes the yellow ready
to send off all of its marvelous
songs that are singing your name
every transparent cell clear pure
blends of all its colors,

Here comes the rainbow of all
my experiences,
black with crow essence standing
above in the morning skies,
morning blue crystal sitting gently
over your green
reflecting your greatness and spirit
which takes by the hand
as I walk over your rainbow bridge

here comes the violet blue
to cover the skin
and eyelids
breathing it
exhaling it
expanding violet over the sky

In Transition, In Love

Never give up my love
even when all seems
so blurry you can not see

Don´t be so distant
when the world is changing
tilted but constant
she is welcoming
and shaking the leaves
off my branches

Coming through with a vision
reaching the higher tones
even in the night
when all is quiet on the streets

so don´t you worry no more
move on forward with your
words,

swim along the river of joy!
and meet me here in the light
in the company of so many
mothers, daughters, sisters

loyal to the cause
loyal to the heart
who are chosing to remember!

Jewels

Notice the round circle (orb) on JP´s left sleeve, we were taking pictures inside the base of a redwood and in my of these pictures these orbs appeared. Some friends have told me that they are energetic beings.

There were several things that stuck in my mind as I left LA to visit my son here in San Francisco. A couple days before I came to visit my dear friend and as I was sharing with her my next endevour with my Jean-Philippe, she said: you are sharing together, not that he is allowing you to participate, you are both participating.

As I left her house, I felt that was a piece of jewel to remember. Many times I´ve walked in life feeling like anything given to me was like a favor, a privilege I was allowed to have, almost like not really believing that I was worthy of it. It just reminded me of that new path I´ve decided to take where my existence is worthy of being here, I came here with purpose at heart and once you uncover your purpose there is no going back, there is an urgency of time and this lifetime is only a speck of the beauty that is there to experiment.

So, yesterday we decided to go for a hike at Guerneville, north of San Francisco where the redwoods are but not just redwoods, among the Armstrong trails we encounter the oldest tree (1500 years) and the tallest tree, a different type of silence within. There is a different type of energy there, ancient like caves deep within the Earth. As we began our walk the trail was steep, mostly uphill and I had already decided after my cleansing meditation breath that trees were going to be our witness and guides for this day. We were hiking with open hearts and nurtured by all the branches above as they witnessed our closeness, our sharing, our laughs and time together. My purpose here is to open our communication, grow in depth with it and learn from each other. I´ve been a teacher to him as he has been a teacher to me.

Another dear friend from the Sedona workshop, who also has an daughter told me her secret as a mother, that in order to know more of them get to their activities, their music, their games so you understand more of their world, their views and have more to share. So I sat last night with him, we were at the computer learning the intricacies of Blizzard, World of Warcraft games. Basically for me the only time I can sit for longer periods of time, besides my job, on the computer is when I sit down to write. Now I was carefully listening to this amazing online game that he has been involved for years. It is played world wide and each person can create their own characters and travel to the different continents on special quests or mission as druid, elves, warriors, magicians...etc. among floating crystal cities and have the capability of transforming into different creatures or animals to travel as a lepard or horse or fly among the skies. So tonight we will develop my character, yes moms do play also, in fact he was telling me of a friend he has that the mom basically took over the game and played more than her son at times. The most interesting thing that came up was as he was telling me the different characters he had develop, his main character who had acquired like level 80 was a Healer!

With this as my closing paragraph today confirms that our children energetically live parallel lives, cyclical to our existence. As the years have gone by, I witness his experiences and writings (he is also a poet) and how much we as parents share those energetic lines, thoughts, emotions parallel to each other's lives. I´ll continue doing the cleansing meditation CD while I am here and share more jewels to come.

Transformation

At the top of Temescal canyon there is an opening towards the left where the flora is caved in full of trees and shrubs and the birds fly back and forth as if they were being pulled a swirl of energy, something there pulls you in to take a pause and express gratitude.
The canyons in California are full of richness and abundance and the scent of sage travels along you cleansing your worries or noise and carries you deep in its silence.
Every step you take as you hike is an opportunity to breathe in the subtleness through your feet, its almost like replenishing for the day. Every pore taking in the fluidity of this creative flow that is active all the time even when we sleep. It moves with the winds and rivers all along the planet and a shower is not just a shower, its a time when the life force meets with your skin, thoughts and emotions.
There is more freedom in writing now with the realization that I am just a conduit and I am here to explore and transmit my joy, my love for this planet. Last night I met with my mother and even though I still find resistance with it, remnants of the past, I met with her with such delight and playfullness acepting fully her love and conection with me. She greeted me with the enthusiasm of a lifetime together and we left for the movies hand in hand like two long lost friends who are now reunited forever. The love I felt as I sat next to her was filled and overflowing with gratitude. We had dinner together and as I drove her home we talked about her father and mother and their interactions. The travels and dreams of her as a young woman and I realized that she is an incredibly powerful woman who dared to take risks in life and move through life with her beauty as she does today. She is a survivor of breast cancer and that has recently gained in me a greater admiration in how she was determined not only to live but to heal herself. I am in love with my mother, and only love has opened me up to the different aspects of love. The love I feel for her, for my son, for women, men, friends, strangers, creatures, the Earth. We talk about love so much and there is such a quest in love, the bottom line of most inner conflicts are about love and how and why we aren´t loved, but when we fall in love it overflows everywhere. We love everything we do, we long to be that expression of love and have it become the ruling guide because there is nothing you can´t do without love. When it is present there is abundance and acceptance and gratitude and the pure desire of creating and living to the fullest in your life.
So I am in love with my mother and her gentleness, care, curiosity, joy, willingness, persistance. I see her in the light but only because I walk in the light today myself.
Los Angeles is a city of innovation and constant creative energy flow in it. Things are constantly changing and evolving, I feel that there is a current that moves much faster here and if you are not grounded it shakes you around like an unrooted tree and it gets much harder to make decisions when you are left trembling with every little wind that comes through.
Today I can feel a cold breeze, the season is changing and I welcome it with my wings fully extended.
Thank you for the gift of writing, thank you for another breath I take so I can take another hike through the Will Rogers Park.
I love Life!!!

Sacred Moments

Walking into the Temescal Canyon this afternoon I surrendered to the silence that always awaits when you first enter. Crossing over into its arms its no wonder many come in different longings leaving the city behind and as I climbed further into it looking through the branches on the side of the path with the sensation that other creatures or spirits were indeed present. This hike is all uphill taking your breath away until you reach the overlook and the ocean and city sorrounds the canyon. I come often here because the body claims it...I love the city but this connection is necessary.

During the walk so many things came to me from the past, recent scenes and faces. The purging of its emotional attachments and in that mood there was also some sense of regret for years where the glimpse of this awareness taking place today could not surface at all. So I began to feel gratitude and the exchange today is much richer in that for each moment where certain realization where not possible at the time, today each second or moment is filled to the rim for each of those years so after all there is a much greater exchange and it certainly balances itself.

As I left the canyon it was dark and I could barely see the road. There was a certain fear felt within, being alone with nothing but shadows coming through. The cold was entering into the night and a few souls were still entering for a walk. I thought how brave to go into this canyon in the dark where the faces were no longer relevant only silhouttes passing by.

Letting the moment pass

There are some mornings that are just a little off, almost like its time to change my skin and the skin becomes a little tight and something wants to greet you right in front but it's so out of the unusual that it feels uncomfortable (perhaps I will find a better word to fit the mood...)

So I keep reminding myself that everything is just the way its suppose to be. The Nicotiana seeds were just seeds a while ago and now look at her (I posted a picture on the right) she is developing with a full body and leaves that are expanding each day more and more. I feel so much respect and I can give her that now that I have respect for myself. 

So the thought today was about letting go completely even though the habit is to find a way to sabotage the moment or compare myself with the other so somehow I seem to be left on the short end with "not enough" or "poor me" and the balance is knowing and recognizing that "this too shall pass" so those thoughts that cling on to my essence begin to dissipate and melt away with the being in love that I've chosen to become or better said something greater than me has chosen to enter and fill my heart with pure light and allowing my roots to extend. Only love extends my roots, the other mood only shrinks and shrivel my roots. When I am in love there is boundless giving, boundless light to shine, greater smiles to share. 

So its pretty clear as to which one to choose, do I want to be a shrinking and shriveled little old lady or an ancient deeply rooted tree....hmmm

more to come through these branches, soon some juicy yummy fruits........................

Loving Life

Sunlight woke me up today like a soft caress over my sleep saying its time, its time to rise and feel the light. I walked over to the kitchen and the door opens to the west, north west to be more specific and in that opening I sensed a new beggining. The beggining of living in a new vibration. The vibration of pure love. Everything grows with love and being love resonates in a tune that everyone can recognize. Children love that tune and dance with it and shine with...I´ve been visualizing more and more that little girl within me that stopped dancing early on and now she is near, she is so close to me that it allows me to see again the beauty of playfulness and constant flow of energy. It is filled with sparkles as they look at you and run around following the colors that float around them like if they were hunting for easter eggs. I saw how they stop for details and how they feel for things, how they watch the sand run through their fingers. A constant state of awe for everything around them.

Vibration

10:08pm

Coming home after HT2. Dancing with Joy and finding more and more the purpose of my life. As I lay there in total peace after finishing the breath work I felt through every cell of my body the purpose and intent of sending this vibration though the room, the neighborhood, the city, the world. If there is a web around and within that connects us then this is what I came here to be. In this state of total peace and inner joy and pure love in my body reminding me of what it was like at the beggining.
This feeling came over me with absolute certainty that I can carry this out and now that I am revisited by this higher vibration which travels through my body, I can move forward and with confidence begin to set my intention of work, creativity, sharing with all this beautiful feeling of existing and confidence that in my exchange I am creating a space for new experiences. Experiences that vibrate at a different level within this community. I can feel the healing in my body and reaching my heart as I expand in to the bigger picture of all this.
The breath work is absolutely an avenue of all the possibilities that are taking place as I write this and I move forward knowing that I am part of all this experience, no less no more than you, only here to share the amazing journey we are experiencing the more we open to a full heart.
The play of hide and seek and finding so may protection now are taking a rest to open up to something bigger in which a community is involved and where the strenght lies in.

10:22pm