Crow´s Garden

This is the garden as we cleared, weeded out and mixed the Earth. The new seeds have been planted with Chard seeds from Croatia! This was Sunday afternoon under the growing moon. Preparing for a new season.
Bountiful, prosperous and rich with fertile soil. It is a true gift to have a garden in Los Angeles, all the magic in the backyard of your house. This space is sacred for me, for my roommate, for my neighbor. We all delight in coming home and finding the extension of our wondering in the garden. Right there all the lessons of a lifetime.

Yams!

These are the yams of summer. Harvest is digging deep in the Earth for them. They´ve been nourished, watered, handed down by my mother who safed the sprouted ones early this year. This is the fruit. They filled the evening meal as we cooked them and then sprinkled with cinnamon and honey.

I am grateful learning how to garden, how to nourish the soul with the fruits of the Earth.

This is the Nicotiana plant in my garden.

She is beginning to flower.

Her leaves are strong.

Her stem is thick and grounded.

She grew from a tiny seed in the late summer.

Its winter now and the yellow bell flower s

are at the top ready to give,

to create.

Clearings

The sky has cleared, specially after the rains which for me is like a cleansing time, a nourishing time of essence. How I love the rain! It opens the skies, literally and when there is clearance the sunshine is brighter than ever. The rainbows are more colorful, more playful. Inside my house there are several crystal balls that I hang so when the sunshine enters the house the traces of its light reflect upon the crystal balls and multicolor spots reach the different walls of the house.
In these recent weeks I have started clearing with my roommate the house, dusting, giving away, throwing away those magazines and articles I thought I would get to read one day. They are gone. We are steam cleaning the carpet, painting certain walls and both of us have started dreaming more vividly. Its a good time to ask questions. Its a good time. Its an incredible time of times. The connection that we are feeling, the solidarity that is traveling through the streets is something I have read in books, or studied in school but now I feel it happening in my heart with other hearts.
Now I go to gratitude, my friend Scott Schwenk writes on his blog about gratitude lately and each day when I wake up he has written his share of gratitude and each day I am reminded that its about gratitude (you can read about it in his blog: http://scottschwenk.blogspot.com/2009/12/30-days-of-gratitude-day-9.html). I started imagining that instead of waking up to the bla, bla, bla in my head....I just start by gratitude, just thinking 1 or 2 or 3 things about gratitude, just to experiment and see what happens. Try it for 30 days! So I joined my sister with this. When I bring gratitude into my life the heart expands, when my heart expands it leads. If I tell you how grateful I am to wake up and know that I am alive, that I have one more day to live and one more day to create, to write, to dance and be able to continue writing my son a letter I was not able to write a year ago, that fills my heart. It keeps the momentum flowing, the momentum of letting my essence thrive through this layer of reality.
I am grateful for the garden that we have downstairs, that has taught me to clear and dig deep into my roots so I have an opportunity to untangle the many knots that I thought would keep me safe. Now that my heart is strong, now that I´ve untangled a few more knots and made the soil fertile enough so the flowers, vegetables, fruits and herbs can grow, now that I´ve nourished my spirit a bit more and have learned about harvesting and reserving and move into gratitude, now that I can learn about letting this fertile soil rest and nourish itself for the next crop.
Now I am learning to nourish our space, our dreaming. Now that I am learning to move from the I to we...I invite you to prepare the soil, to nourish once again the garden of your being, to mix the compost soil we´ve prepared for the new seedlings, the new ideas, projects, dreams of all that we are meant to do in this lifetime. There are no limits in the expression of your heart!
I invite you to this garden on the westside, on your reflections, your ideas, your seedlings to participate in this blog.

Momentum : P=mv

I hear the crows from afar in the background of this scene, cawing one after another,
announcing into nothing, at least nothing I can see but there is certainly a message,
I just haven´t yet begun to decipher its vibration, so I am patient. Last night as I was driving into the city, you know when the streets begin to empty themselves out and you can feel people are starting to fall asleep, I felt the cold, misty fog take over the avenues and there is almost an in between moment that is prominent. There was a thought that came through my mind as I drove into the green light and quickly captured a mannequin on the right side of the sidewalk inside a beauty supply store and I almost saw it come to live! So there was this thought that one of these days we are going to enter that layer where we can approach those "other" beings, those other layers of existence that roam around the city. It didn´t scare me like it usually does but it was interesting.

Momentum, there is momentum when you are riding the wave of love. It is constant and subtle, it has a slight buzzing in the background like a new vibration surfacing little by little. It doesn´t come all at once perhaps it would scare the hell out of you but it starts coming into your body, your heartbeat, a sensation of well being, you like when its freezing outside and your wrap yourself into the best cozy covers of your bed and the warmth of your body takes over and you are cuddled into its arms like no other lover did.

Momentum, maybe that is what saved the life force from being exploited into bad habits and addictions, when you gain momentum there is this sense of growth and stillness. When you are in momentum, you are in the flow and when you are in the flow there is a journey that follows directing all the plays at hand. I was breathing last night, the room became completely quiet and my breath filled not only my body but the room I was in and the vibration resonated through my arms and it became apparent that those scenes of hopelessness were revisited and carried by a healing blue light that had its own purpose and yet that became my armor.

In the Britannica Concise Encyclopedia:

Momentum: Product of the mass of a particle and its velocity. Newton's second law of motion states that the rate of change of momentum is proportional to the force acting on the particle. Albert Einstein showed that the mass of a particle increases as its velocity approaches the speed of light. At the speeds treated in classical mechanics, the effect of speed on the mass can be neglected, and changes in momentum are the result of changes in velocity alone. If a constant force acts on a particle for a given time, the product of the force and the time interval, the impulse, is equal to the change in momentum. For any array of several objects, the total momentum is the sum of the individual momenta. See also angular momentum.

More to come....

Temescal Canyon

This is what I saw as I stood at the top of the canyon,
a hummingbird on my right overlooking the ocean
sitting on the thin branch of a shrub above
and the sun,
golden red sun setting on the west
and bathing all sky with a streak of orange red
along the lining of the dark blue sea
Catalina island presence in between,


this is what I felt from the afternoon glow
that was moving through me as I climbed
into the canyon,
blue feathered quails gathering below
as I pass through,

the sky clear as ever as another jet plane
ventures high above from the LAX
and the full moon overlooking
the whole city,

how lucky it is to be here
in this city of angels
that is constantly changing
and overlooking your presence

always inviting,
always reaching out
to walk its streets
like birds into paradise.

Moving Forward

Movement in the wind that soars
it is awakening even the long lost sleep
in the leaves of all ancient trees
as the life force wanders from
coast to coast smoothly unto each call.

In each breath you take
it will move through you
like the ondulated waves of each snake
ready to be awaken,
so to dance in your chosen pleasure
with eyes closed in delight
of an awaken serpent,

in this light
the flame will roar
for all blue skies to ignite
in its passion


come taste the juniper zap
wrap your arms around
the long awaited warmth
that you sought in the roaming
hallways,
which had only made the craving
incessant and unreachable,

no there you are,
embracing the richest essence
and crisp sunlight morning
that will remain reminding you
second after second,
the life force is within
fully present as you breath into it.

GRACIAS!

I was looking for the meaning until my inner voice said write it from your heart, your own encyclopedia. An attitude, a friend that serves me well, that blends with the being feeling complete. Acknowledging completeness. Just a friend would do that. Remind you, take you on a journey of your imprints of gratitude. A positive state of accomplishment because when you walk with your friend of gratitude, it enriches your life and its an even exchange. I am the voice of gratitude and the experiences only emphasize the positive, the abundance that I am connected when I experience my buddy gratitude. It is always there, no gender involved, in fact it has no physical form because its more of a sensation that I connect to and in that connection I realize its abundance. That is a place of power. An attitude of power. When I take a walk with it I shine, how else to walk knowing that there is thankfulness for everything I got even those heavy dark moments that pulled my hair in hot temper to be the rebel and let go of my memory of gratitude.
Indeed I am alive because of graceful gratitude that showed me the way of non-complaint who depletes me at no end. So its all about energy and gratitude is full of it. It makes me smile, it sends those vibrations of peace and calmness in my heart that I am walking the talk. So when I am full of energy I can write and tell you about and tell its worth the travel, its worth the journey and much more. Being in gratitude fills my tank in triple, quadruple....forms and when I am so full and expansive there is so much longing to share it in whatever form. Being patient and allowing for the flow, the creative flow that creates fabulous meals, decorates my house with artful gestures of love, pray in delight that my family is well and strong and open hearted, writes with the pleasure of a Spirit that guides, moves in the form that Tensegrity has taught me, appreciate the gifts throughout my life, I said I didn´t want to leave this planet without knowing the depth of pure love and here it is each day going deeper and deeper NO MATTER WHAT!

So lets see where else these conversation with Earth travel. You are the Earth, each song, painting, friendship, circles and movement, form and formless, houses, teachings, children, creatures, plants...get the picture?

All of it is there so generously abundant.

FEET

My feet woke me up,
this morning...
they were moving on their own
under the covers
and through the thin veil
of each eyelid,
the sunlight,
perhaps purple
from the rise of all dreams
touched my body awake

just enough to make
my feet dance,
after all they are the ones
who dip into the water
and find the journey of where ever
I travel,
they have the vision at the
heart of each encounter,

so I let them move
as I shift from head to toe
and let them stand
above me,

from the pinky to the big toe,
spreading the webs of my
ancestors,
rising the sole with elegance
so they don´t collapse

I´ve watch each encounter
on the street,
as they meet with other feet
who either shine away
or lightly touch our vibration
as we step close to each other

so my feet rise with me
and take me everywhere
how lucky I am.
how grateful I am to have two
feet!
two grounding feet:)

Just Write...

The words resonated like the glow of an afternoon sun extending through out the sky...and if I don´t know or have all the right words to express what I feel, experience and message I am transmitting. It doesn´t matter just write, it will come about, remember its not about YOU. That last phrase alleviates any pressure related to doing something or having to accomplish anything but the art of breathing.
So what is your purpose? and it was very clear in the background as many times speaks loud and clear when laying or sitting in that silence or stillness: just be yourself! Nothing to change, nothing to reach, just be your essence. Wow, and I´ve been under the impression that I had to do SO MUCH in order to be part of the whole equation and there in the stillness of the long hike comes the voice and says just be still, just be in your silence. Nothing to drink, nothing to inhale or travel to the other side of the planet, just be still.
When I am still I can find trust and there are deep longings that emerge from the stillness, from the subtle place of dance without jumping all over the place, from the respect I feel as I enter the canyon I am privileged to hike in, that stillness permeates my whole body with trust and if I look back at my history I would have a good reason not to trust but on the contrary today I feel complete trust in that stillness because I am still here for a reason and the deeper I dive in to trust and love there are no more yard sticks to measure up to.
I am reading a book called Eat, Pray and Love, I am highlighting and tagging most of what I feel its calling me to pay attention. What I appreciate greatly in her writing is her sense of humour, that is priceless.
My message for today take things lightly, move with ease and breathe alot. One of my dear teachers once told me: Jackie just make sure you breathe and if you are breathing every thing is OK.
That simple. That is what I´ll do today. BREATHE, love and eat.

Creating, creativity

To create. Word meaning: Bring into being. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.

2.

to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention. I am not sure exactly what I am bringing into being so I suppose that now as I have made clearings in my life, spiritually,emotionally and physically, I can set some discipline for creating, it works best for me. Discipline, at least some sort of it. I write at any moment, record moments that comes through me because they are so spontaneus that it feels like something is being pointed out to me and my job is to share it with the world. I have a deeper understanding of what it means to be empty, at least this is the beginning and I am excited about life. I am excited about creating, speaking my own voice. Is it my voice or am I an instrument through which the formless, sightless forces speak through. What is the difference between that which is your voice, your vibration in that case because language is something we´ve created to connect with each other to expand on the endless motions of what we are experiencing day to day. What would you like? I would like to continue creating, writing, helping others to create. Walking in life with purpose. HOw do I create? Self worth. We will start creating from this foundation. To care for oneself. To love oneself. I am worthy when I step into the light. What this means is that I have gathered enougth strength, energy, harmony, connection to be able to choose walking in things that enlighten, inspire, bring me joy and happiness. I had chosen for a long time to walk in suffering and situations that only brought me back to that of feeling of being sorry for myself and not participating in life because dealing with "others" was unbearable. So walking with the freedom of taking risks is enlightening, even if it means I won´t get what I "think" I am suppose to have. There is so much more abundance to experience being in confidence, writing from a place of boundless creativity mostly because I feel worthy of it. After that everything comes in pretty easy, listening, observing. The other day a patient came in to have his usual treatment of acupuncture to deepen his healing. It is a custom of his to leave his trash on the counter even though we have several trash cans around the office, which by the way he is very familiar because he has been coming for years. So he passively throws the old appointment card on the desk with an air of "I know exactly what I am doing and I don´t care" in fact he finds it amusing. So the I look at it, he looks at it and then I think to myself, am I going to remind him one more time that we have several trash cans in the office, one directly in front of his feet, no. Just as my fury was rising to my throat, he non chalantly says: Ji Ji Ja Ja I am going to keep doing it until it doesn´t affect you anymore....So I breathed into my fury and pushed the energy down until it subsided and remembered I was a witness to this incident and non chalantly ask him: maybe you need some more water before you get in to your car? but by then he has scurried out the door dragging one foot before the other and left. This was an interesting scene to witness, someone who in the process of his healing had become a "teacher" or at least in that specific moment found himself cocky enough to teach a "lesson". My lesson in this was the awareness of feeling how my energy was moving beyond my control and that I didn´t have to give in to my reaction. I don´t have to give to the seduction of high rush, immediate comfort, illusion of comfort by succumbing to my emotions.

Altocumulus, breath and compassion.

So I was walking out this morning on my way to work, I looked up and there they were: the altocumulus formation of clouds, in my words the clouds sheep world....conversation with the Earth. Of course this is the Earth laying out the beauty above my head so I can take a pause while I´m running to work and with my mouth wide open smile and I thought to myself today there is something extra, just slightly juicier for some reason, the clouds were telling me that, those sheep shape clouds were announcing a light rain indeed. About to clear up slight debris hanging around the suit. So I felt the lightness of the day as I drove, confident that the skies were announcing a huge opening in the days to come. At least that is what it feels like these days, people creating and participating and joining, breaking through like never before.
I remembered something about going through the motion, not reacting, not defending just breathing through the moment when I am most triggered and when I have that itching need to give advise, or to tell the other how "it should be" or what they should do, I am robbing the moment, I am just dipping in too soon to really see what its all about. For example, the fear of walking through sober, letting the emotions surface and do what they need to do. Not overeating the whole fridge because watch out here comes that feeling and not knowing what to do but to stuff it with food or a good old cigarette or the sex or overworking...so I tried it, at least that is what immersing in love has allow me to try. This going through the motions and breathing through even if its holding you by the throat and you think you can no longe hold the anger.
Today something cleared up about "being in love" is not just "walking in the rain" and "singing in the shower","dancing with the flow" which are manifestations of feeling good but "being in love" it seems to give you this sense of deep affection not only for yourself but the compassion you can feel for others. I experienced this with my sister on her birthday the other day, who has also now quit smoking and as a result is experiencing the emotions of anger she had been numbing with the smoking. So the birthday party was cut very short and I was about to engage in her anger, telling her how ungrateful and bla, bla...until I sat down, felt my feet on the Earth and told myself to breath through it, to go through the motions of "being connected with myself" which is part of my "love" assignment, stay connected, dont engage in what is not yours which then makes you available to support the situation rather than feed the energy of anger that is about to explode. So as best as my mom and I could do, we cut the cake, gave her the presents and allowed her the space to be. Sometimes just showing up and being there for each other is a whole deal in itself.
After the storm had gone by my sister and I were talking today just so full of gratitude, sober and full of compassion because we were talking about putting ourselves in the shoes of each other and my mother, just feeling for a moment what each one is going through and not reacting and hurting for the quick fix, just showing up for one another because if anything gets triggered within, its a gift of what we need to hone in ourselves, and all we have to do is share our love, give each other the love that is healing our whole family, being present without reacting. If we can look back at these moments we can truly say we gave each other the best, we showed up, we held our space and the light came through us, we listened even when we were ready to throw the dishes against the wall. This is exciting! We are uniting as a family like never before, there is still more but if the core if being filled with this love, this true love, not based on conditions or expectations but just stepping up to ask my sister: what do need in this moment? How can I best support you? I can feel now how the barriers and rages are melting away, we are meeting in conversation or just simply by listening to each other.
So what does this have to do with altocumulus...the sheep clouds? I am still trying to sort this one out, as the clouds are somehow an anticipation of what is about to occur, they accumulate in forms among the skies that depending on their density and magnitude, it will give rise to certain situations that will open up and express through us, specially after a thunderstorm.

When I am love I....

...BREATHE,write, share, jump, dance and choose to pause and look at the funny clouds, walk and swim, I reach out for my sister, so when I am in love I share, laugh, send emails, make connections
laugh, sing, I let passion lead, create, give, smile,fart without guilt,
when I am in love i wish for others, walk on the beach, hike with the mountains, talk with the plkants,
there is no beggining or end, I just let things, people be what they are, invite, create, prepare, BREATHE, sing, , driving singing in the car, yell in the car and then laugh, when I am in love I create because my heart leads and its so ready now!! When I am in love I create every moment with all I got, I give it all I got, I claim it without greed but confidence, I teach and I am also the student, when I am in love I take the gift of life, of my ancestors, I play, I persist, I want to SEE...when I am in love I can be still because I am have everything, I cook, I send the vibration from my heart, I say Namaste, I meet with the sun, I walk with the moon, I am in rhythm with the cycles and BREATHE, prepare, receive , create, unfold, bloom, and shine,
share...............................................................................LAUGH, sing even though I don't remember the lyrics, fly, reach out, create, create and you?

Water and Love

The Power of love through the rivers of water

I hold you forever in my heart
close to my heart
and close to my dreams,
as I fill the vase of water
and sleep real close
real close
so that when morning comes
I reach to you
and drink the power of love
and fill my blood
with the power of love
and feel it running within my body
my heart
the power of love,

I bathe with you
feeling the power of love on my skin
close my eyes
to sing from my heart
without the vowels and syntax
but here I give you this current
flowing within to you
the messenger of love
as you leave my house,
as you leave flowing to the ocean
on your river mission
to fill the lakes of nations
carrying my message of love
with all the messages
from my friends and family
that we are bathing in love
raining in love
transparent and fluid,
like the first ocean in my mother's
womb that filled the first darkness,
inmersed our ecstasy of creation,

and creating we flow each day,
each moment, each second
in this wonderful vibration of love.

Thank you water
thank you oceans, rivers, creeks, lakes that hold our breath of life.

Heart

Another nugget of gold to add in the center of heart. Self-love. This whole weekend I participated with other friends at the David Elliot Harvest retreat. It was the most loving, tough loving and by that I mean there was no one there that was going to hold your hand reviewing what your heart already knows. There were interactions of pure desire to open the door to the heart and be what it takes to be in the light of love.
So my self-love resurfaces from the fact that I don't leave it up to others to decide on my life or take from others because I feel empty or because there is no acknowledgement in what I am doing to participate in life through my experiences. If I am present and aware of my breath, that I am alive and that in itself is a miracle then there are no missing pieces. If I can acknowledge my body, mind and spirit than I see the beauty and boundless possibilites to carry out the purpose of my life which by the way is love. My assignment for this week is be in constant love with every breath I take.
I woke up with the feeling of love over me before I even opened my eyes. I came in to work with a sense of love and respect for what I do and who I work with.
The exchange is pure love, that is what I learned this weekend. Every act of interaction with my car, with the garden, with the breath I take, with the patients that come in to the clinic, with the people that I live iwth will be an exchange of love. So this is what I understood, what I learned at the retreat...If the base, foundation of my existence is not deeply rooted in LOVE then what type of exchange will I have with those that I meet in my path, with that boundless food I am fortunate to taste each day, with the creatures that come and greet me among the hikes I share with them. If my foundation is not love but expectations, emptyness, worry, fear, control, manipulation, on and on what type of exchange could there be among my experiences.
Wow, what a gift to learn from the foundation of LOVE and the essence of my existence, after all when my dad met my mother how did I come about if not from an act of love. So, I share with the new found in LOVE person that I choose to be, choose to walk as and choose to vibrate in this world. A few experiences with speaking directly from the heart...I got a call from the credit card company...payment was due...interest rate was now at 14%...finance charges...not on Sunday morning I thought as I was driving to my mother's house, I am not going to call them, I'll call them on Monday...finally I dialed the number with some angst in my chest and ready to fight, ready to defend myself until I remember as my cell phone was sliding towards my chest and close to my heart, I remembered I'll have to do is to speak from my heart, let my heart lead and connect with this person on the other end, let the heart lead without fear. The woman begun setting up the payment amount I had been denied and just asked me to choose a date for my next payment AND my interest rate would be now at 0% interest rate!! I couldn't believe it and asked for her name and thanked her and wished a great day and the rest of this day was spent full to the rim with my mother and niece travelling through the Mojave desert. Exceptional. Rich. Abundant. This is the beggining of bringing that thought of speaking from the heart, letting the heart lead and then my words can be full of what my heart is made out of. So back to vibration and sound: what does love sound like? Is it like the flight of birds soaring through the sky, is it like the gentle touch of dew upon the leaves of plants, is it winds settling down as the sun visits the other part of the Earth, is it in the sigh of finally letting go and trusting. I always wonder about the song of birds and how and where are they sending their vibration to and those plants that come and share their beauty with me, where is their vibration resonating in? If my vibration today is one of pure love then where is it resonating, what is it healing? What is it telling the universe, how far does my vibration resonate?
In the process of healing, of becoming whole, this was the missing piece that left me sleepless at night, the longing to be conected to all that is around me and beyond. The vibration of love is what I choose today.

More to come.....

Starting Over

There is always a beginning when the truth is lay out on the table. All the thoughts of what you think that other person is doing or saying about you vanishes like a snowflake melting on the horizon, when you find out its really about you. So that is exactly what I did. It was time to move out of the paranoia and the deep serious talks I was having with myself and asking my friends: Is everything alright? When really it was me who was out of alignment. What does that really mean? I was not connected with Spirit, I was in my head instead of my heart. I was being driven, seduced by another wave of energy that I don't ride any more. I had thanked it, love it because it brought me to where I am now. But it is not mine, those thoughts, those feelings don't belong with this body any more. There is so much work to be done and I don't know if I have that much time so every second is precious.

The fact remains true I had not been able to continue my stories when I started smoking once again. Lighting up meant that I was willing to create that screen again and distant myself from the spiritual growth that happens when you decide to be sober. Sober from the delusion and negativity created in the mind. So don't get too serious, that is what I've learned from others so far. As soon as you get too serious Iam calling on the dualistic battle within myself.

So before the whole neighborhood turned against me or that the distance between my writings were no longer accessible I called a friend today. So the trick, start laughing I told myself. Think of all the funny things that have happened that make you laugh and if I can't find any, then I'll just have to make them up.

I know that I always laughed with my sister. She is my ascendant sign, my guide and looking back I realize that when I first got to this country I didn't speak English and she wanted a little sister so bad that she got one. Me. So her way of communicating with me was to make me laugh. I knew how to do that well back then. I was so serious and "deep"...that when I would burst and fall on to the floor of the bus, on our way to school, she would feel accomplished and connected with me. We would laugh about anything. Sticking our heads outside of the window and yelling and making funny faces to the people in line when going throught the central maket. By the time we got to the school we were exhausted but delighted.

So when I think of laughter, I think of my sister and even to this day we laugh like back then, rolling on the floor, holding our bellies and re-energizing ourselves.

So I am going to explore laughter with my little girl and see what the Spirit has in mind. I welcome any jokes. The day is clear, crisp with a west wind that is moving all sorts of things, so its time to dig in deep, to replant my roots and extend them even further.

I can do that when I lay out the secrets on the table, before you so they fade with smoke screen I create between you and I.

5 minutes

Leaves brown filtering through the beginning

That is my play at hand

With all the tools layed before me,

Emblem

Being the channel of light

Shining like a star,

como una estrella que se deleita con su titireteo,

Purple

That is what I imagine through my being instilled

To being a new beginning of knowing the unknown

Without my doings,

Here,

Long ago there was a time when all was play

And my beginning was the connection of all that came through

And I just need to share from this place of beginnings

Leaves brown fall instilled through the woods

Damp is the road,

Recycling is now overtaking what needs to be processed

Until we are this fertile soil in the compost

That is what you need to learn

The process of letting go

Stepping forward with full heart,

even if you are left alone

Even if there are a million people around you

Stepping forward with all imaginative force

I am typing…..with my little girl who next to me.

She is a pro, I just need to let go.

Here comes the Light

Here comes the violet blue opening
Here comes the yellow birthing
here comes your smile in orange and yellow
here comes joy opening my heart, your heart
my mother's heart, my child´s heart

and the aqua blue
green in all its shells
echoing the amber of your eyes
who travels with the lightning
pearl journey of each step you take

Here comes the cobalt blue
embraced by the purple sage
entering in each of your tear drops
Here comes the orange melon
swirling into the center of all worries
to blast into the fire of each sun

Here comes the yellow ready
to send off all of its marvelous
songs that are singing your name
every transparent cell clear pure
blends of all its colors,

Here comes the rainbow of all
my experiences,
black with crow essence standing
above in the morning skies,
morning blue crystal sitting gently
over your green
reflecting your greatness and spirit
which takes by the hand
as I walk over your rainbow bridge

here comes the violet blue
to cover the skin
and eyelids
breathing it
exhaling it
expanding violet over the sky

In Transition, In Love

Never give up my love
even when all seems
so blurry you can not see

Don´t be so distant
when the world is changing
tilted but constant
she is welcoming
and shaking the leaves
off my branches

Coming through with a vision
reaching the higher tones
even in the night
when all is quiet on the streets

so don´t you worry no more
move on forward with your
words,

swim along the river of joy!
and meet me here in the light
in the company of so many
mothers, daughters, sisters

loyal to the cause
loyal to the heart
who are chosing to remember!

Jewels

Notice the round circle (orb) on JP´s left sleeve, we were taking pictures inside the base of a redwood and in my of these pictures these orbs appeared. Some friends have told me that they are energetic beings.

There were several things that stuck in my mind as I left LA to visit my son here in San Francisco. A couple days before I came to visit my dear friend and as I was sharing with her my next endevour with my Jean-Philippe, she said: you are sharing together, not that he is allowing you to participate, you are both participating.

As I left her house, I felt that was a piece of jewel to remember. Many times I´ve walked in life feeling like anything given to me was like a favor, a privilege I was allowed to have, almost like not really believing that I was worthy of it. It just reminded me of that new path I´ve decided to take where my existence is worthy of being here, I came here with purpose at heart and once you uncover your purpose there is no going back, there is an urgency of time and this lifetime is only a speck of the beauty that is there to experiment.

So, yesterday we decided to go for a hike at Guerneville, north of San Francisco where the redwoods are but not just redwoods, among the Armstrong trails we encounter the oldest tree (1500 years) and the tallest tree, a different type of silence within. There is a different type of energy there, ancient like caves deep within the Earth. As we began our walk the trail was steep, mostly uphill and I had already decided after my cleansing meditation breath that trees were going to be our witness and guides for this day. We were hiking with open hearts and nurtured by all the branches above as they witnessed our closeness, our sharing, our laughs and time together. My purpose here is to open our communication, grow in depth with it and learn from each other. I´ve been a teacher to him as he has been a teacher to me.

Another dear friend from the Sedona workshop, who also has an daughter told me her secret as a mother, that in order to know more of them get to their activities, their music, their games so you understand more of their world, their views and have more to share. So I sat last night with him, we were at the computer learning the intricacies of Blizzard, World of Warcraft games. Basically for me the only time I can sit for longer periods of time, besides my job, on the computer is when I sit down to write. Now I was carefully listening to this amazing online game that he has been involved for years. It is played world wide and each person can create their own characters and travel to the different continents on special quests or mission as druid, elves, warriors, magicians...etc. among floating crystal cities and have the capability of transforming into different creatures or animals to travel as a lepard or horse or fly among the skies. So tonight we will develop my character, yes moms do play also, in fact he was telling me of a friend he has that the mom basically took over the game and played more than her son at times. The most interesting thing that came up was as he was telling me the different characters he had develop, his main character who had acquired like level 80 was a Healer!

With this as my closing paragraph today confirms that our children energetically live parallel lives, cyclical to our existence. As the years have gone by, I witness his experiences and writings (he is also a poet) and how much we as parents share those energetic lines, thoughts, emotions parallel to each other's lives. I´ll continue doing the cleansing meditation CD while I am here and share more jewels to come.

Transformation

At the top of Temescal canyon there is an opening towards the left where the flora is caved in full of trees and shrubs and the birds fly back and forth as if they were being pulled a swirl of energy, something there pulls you in to take a pause and express gratitude.
The canyons in California are full of richness and abundance and the scent of sage travels along you cleansing your worries or noise and carries you deep in its silence.
Every step you take as you hike is an opportunity to breathe in the subtleness through your feet, its almost like replenishing for the day. Every pore taking in the fluidity of this creative flow that is active all the time even when we sleep. It moves with the winds and rivers all along the planet and a shower is not just a shower, its a time when the life force meets with your skin, thoughts and emotions.
There is more freedom in writing now with the realization that I am just a conduit and I am here to explore and transmit my joy, my love for this planet. Last night I met with my mother and even though I still find resistance with it, remnants of the past, I met with her with such delight and playfullness acepting fully her love and conection with me. She greeted me with the enthusiasm of a lifetime together and we left for the movies hand in hand like two long lost friends who are now reunited forever. The love I felt as I sat next to her was filled and overflowing with gratitude. We had dinner together and as I drove her home we talked about her father and mother and their interactions. The travels and dreams of her as a young woman and I realized that she is an incredibly powerful woman who dared to take risks in life and move through life with her beauty as she does today. She is a survivor of breast cancer and that has recently gained in me a greater admiration in how she was determined not only to live but to heal herself. I am in love with my mother, and only love has opened me up to the different aspects of love. The love I feel for her, for my son, for women, men, friends, strangers, creatures, the Earth. We talk about love so much and there is such a quest in love, the bottom line of most inner conflicts are about love and how and why we aren´t loved, but when we fall in love it overflows everywhere. We love everything we do, we long to be that expression of love and have it become the ruling guide because there is nothing you can´t do without love. When it is present there is abundance and acceptance and gratitude and the pure desire of creating and living to the fullest in your life.
So I am in love with my mother and her gentleness, care, curiosity, joy, willingness, persistance. I see her in the light but only because I walk in the light today myself.
Los Angeles is a city of innovation and constant creative energy flow in it. Things are constantly changing and evolving, I feel that there is a current that moves much faster here and if you are not grounded it shakes you around like an unrooted tree and it gets much harder to make decisions when you are left trembling with every little wind that comes through.
Today I can feel a cold breeze, the season is changing and I welcome it with my wings fully extended.
Thank you for the gift of writing, thank you for another breath I take so I can take another hike through the Will Rogers Park.
I love Life!!!

Sacred Moments

Walking into the Temescal Canyon this afternoon I surrendered to the silence that always awaits when you first enter. Crossing over into its arms its no wonder many come in different longings leaving the city behind and as I climbed further into it looking through the branches on the side of the path with the sensation that other creatures or spirits were indeed present. This hike is all uphill taking your breath away until you reach the overlook and the ocean and city sorrounds the canyon. I come often here because the body claims it...I love the city but this connection is necessary.

During the walk so many things came to me from the past, recent scenes and faces. The purging of its emotional attachments and in that mood there was also some sense of regret for years where the glimpse of this awareness taking place today could not surface at all. So I began to feel gratitude and the exchange today is much richer in that for each moment where certain realization where not possible at the time, today each second or moment is filled to the rim for each of those years so after all there is a much greater exchange and it certainly balances itself.

As I left the canyon it was dark and I could barely see the road. There was a certain fear felt within, being alone with nothing but shadows coming through. The cold was entering into the night and a few souls were still entering for a walk. I thought how brave to go into this canyon in the dark where the faces were no longer relevant only silhouttes passing by.

Letting the moment pass

There are some mornings that are just a little off, almost like its time to change my skin and the skin becomes a little tight and something wants to greet you right in front but it's so out of the unusual that it feels uncomfortable (perhaps I will find a better word to fit the mood...)

So I keep reminding myself that everything is just the way its suppose to be. The Nicotiana seeds were just seeds a while ago and now look at her (I posted a picture on the right) she is developing with a full body and leaves that are expanding each day more and more. I feel so much respect and I can give her that now that I have respect for myself. 

So the thought today was about letting go completely even though the habit is to find a way to sabotage the moment or compare myself with the other so somehow I seem to be left on the short end with "not enough" or "poor me" and the balance is knowing and recognizing that "this too shall pass" so those thoughts that cling on to my essence begin to dissipate and melt away with the being in love that I've chosen to become or better said something greater than me has chosen to enter and fill my heart with pure light and allowing my roots to extend. Only love extends my roots, the other mood only shrinks and shrivel my roots. When I am in love there is boundless giving, boundless light to shine, greater smiles to share. 

So its pretty clear as to which one to choose, do I want to be a shrinking and shriveled little old lady or an ancient deeply rooted tree....hmmm

more to come through these branches, soon some juicy yummy fruits........................

Loving Life

Sunlight woke me up today like a soft caress over my sleep saying its time, its time to rise and feel the light. I walked over to the kitchen and the door opens to the west, north west to be more specific and in that opening I sensed a new beggining. The beggining of living in a new vibration. The vibration of pure love. Everything grows with love and being love resonates in a tune that everyone can recognize. Children love that tune and dance with it and shine with...I´ve been visualizing more and more that little girl within me that stopped dancing early on and now she is near, she is so close to me that it allows me to see again the beauty of playfulness and constant flow of energy. It is filled with sparkles as they look at you and run around following the colors that float around them like if they were hunting for easter eggs. I saw how they stop for details and how they feel for things, how they watch the sand run through their fingers. A constant state of awe for everything around them.

Vibration

10:08pm

Coming home after HT2. Dancing with Joy and finding more and more the purpose of my life. As I lay there in total peace after finishing the breath work I felt through every cell of my body the purpose and intent of sending this vibration though the room, the neighborhood, the city, the world. If there is a web around and within that connects us then this is what I came here to be. In this state of total peace and inner joy and pure love in my body reminding me of what it was like at the beggining.
This feeling came over me with absolute certainty that I can carry this out and now that I am revisited by this higher vibration which travels through my body, I can move forward and with confidence begin to set my intention of work, creativity, sharing with all this beautiful feeling of existing and confidence that in my exchange I am creating a space for new experiences. Experiences that vibrate at a different level within this community. I can feel the healing in my body and reaching my heart as I expand in to the bigger picture of all this.
The breath work is absolutely an avenue of all the possibilities that are taking place as I write this and I move forward knowing that I am part of all this experience, no less no more than you, only here to share the amazing journey we are experiencing the more we open to a full heart.
The play of hide and seek and finding so may protection now are taking a rest to open up to something bigger in which a community is involved and where the strenght lies in.

10:22pm

Trust

8:35am

Expanding. That is how I feel when I finished the breath work. Relaxed and peaceful, peaceful enough to understand that no one can take me out of this space unless I allow it. 

Last night my intent was "Trust and continue Opening Heart". I realize that opening heart is just the beginning and then every old remnant will sneak in to see how much I trust. 

Some of the doubts arising simulate my voice or dress themselves in the old suit of "they don't really like you", "you are not good enough, cool enough, strong enough" 

Its tiring, boring and this is the moment I extend my roots even further, grounding real good and remember,

its all about remembering, reconnecting and trusting.

Trust is such a big one, trust with great devotion that in this state of relaxation there is nothing to worry, there is nothing to cling to. 

The dream is being part of the community and "Imagine" (John Lennon) that this community is coming together, its there already I just keep visualizing that those links are coming together of people at harmony, within joy, with pure love. 

I am a dreamer. 

I can dream.

I am dreaming the beautiful, the feminine, the Trust, the space to create.

Healing. 

This is the great possibility. If I move from insecurity to pure dreaming in every area of life. Dreaming the universe within me, dreaming the house I live in, the community I am part of, the neighborhood I visit each day, the state, the country, the planet, the galaxies...

It is all weaved together at some level and I am vibrating within its harmony to love all of it away, melt it away with love. That is how great our hearts are. 

And each time I go back to trust. Trusting that this moment is exactly the perfect moment. Trusting that this book is coming together. Trusting that my heart is leading and what a leader, it knows beyond the limits of my grasping, it knows beyond the limits of fear, resentment. 

That is all for today. Trust opens the doors as long as my roots are deep and thick, each day connected to the core of this Earth and allowing my heart to open up. 

Gratitude signing off.  

8:57am

Having a Voice

8:18am

Making an opening for my throat chackra is a new avenue that is coming through strong and determined. Something in me is trusting and welcoming this new sensation, this new presence. The main ingredient is to maintain the heart´s opening and taking care of the body, acknowledging that it has taken me a long way. If I look back how far my skin has stretcht not only in expanding for a child to grow within me but really stretching out to the limit, not getting enough rest, exposing my body to harmful situations, environments, etc.
What is the point this morning? The mood has shifted and I am sitting with my commitment of 15 minutes...what to write or really, can I sit here for those minutes just being open and being in relationship without having to run somewhere, clean something, take the trash out, making a call, surfing the net...no just sitting here making contact with my feet and the EArth,
...back to the throat chackra, this opening allows me to speak up, voice my emotions, sing my heart out, sing the lullaby, create a relationship, communicate, recite a poem, tell my mother I love her, tell my son I love him, spread the love. Manifest. Have a conversation with the Earth. Speak to another woman about respecting eachother. Taking a stand.
Being vulnerable. Everyday is full to the rim and sometimes like yesterday, it becomes overwhelming.

8:34am

Commitment

9:43 am

Commitment is a word that sends heat through my left ankle, its a soothing heat like mother´s milk, warm and sweet. My left side puts me in contact with my mother, with my female energy and knowledge that has been shared with me in recent years. There is no doubt now that what has profoundly healed my life has been the communion and circles of women in my life. Men have also healed the process but without that trust in women, I would of not come closer to my mother.
Recently I spent an entire Sunday not only with my mother but my sister and her daughter; it was not only a Sunday but a moment in history of healing our lineage. I felt that my grandmother, even though she has been dead for over thirty years, she was present with us during this Sunday.
So committing to writing this morning puts aside all judgment of what my writing is about, it feels like the flow is just coming in and I just swim in it to connect more and more with the stories waiting to be told. This is a reencoutner with my energy, trust and honoring the gift of writing. Who knows I may even end up singing from what I´ve experienced lately our openings in this creativity is not only through writing but beautiful artwork, music and vibrating the sound through a melody that we can all hear.

10:00am

15 minutes of sitting with the moment....

Are you ready they said, are you ready for success? Are you ready to be part of success and a prosperous community. YES. Are you ready to walk the tight rope? YES. Are you ready to be the screaming breath you took as you were being born? YES! Are you ready? YES.
So I move into action and pick up the words to write and write and these minutes are the minutes to share not only with you but a commitment to sit with myself and allow the miracle. Fifteen minutes of pure creativity to allow the miracle and claim my worth and know that in this commitment I am sharing the gift. Fifteen minutes of letting go and creating the space to tell a story and what comes through is the excitement of being alive.
The tobacco plant is doing great, expansive in its leaves and rising towards the sky, its stem is strong and determined to be all that it is. I have a feeling of what this exchange might be like when we start transmitting to one another but my head gets in the way as to how it might talk to me but it is just a a sensation, it is just a vibration. I would like to know this language. Our ancestors knew directly, they once practiced as a way of being. There was no separation, we walked with the sky and the moon and the winds.
I will post pictures soon of these new plants so you can see them and experience their growth since I planted the seeds.
Each morning when I wake up I walk towards these area and acknowledge their beauty, sometimes I sing to them. Its an act of how I walk in life and with others. Do I acknowledge their beauty, my beauty, the beauty that surrounds us?
Fifteen minutes of sitting with my writing to begin telling stories, this is my intent, to voice the stories that are coming through, to voice the healing that is taking place through this body. This is what I see this morning, standing still long enough for the miracle to happen, trust the voice that is coming through.
Remember the sensation of swimming in the water, swimming in the womb of mother Earth.

The Power of Love

As I showered this morning there were threads of writings that came over me with the sole purpose of writing about an open heart and the power of love. The manifestations that it has in my life today. Sunday was such a rich day and it couldn't be complete without my family. The connection that we have as women, sisters, mom, daughter, friends are boundless and so powerful.
One of my great blockages was carrying and being imprisoned by my own mind over the event and experience of being raped at an early age. The man that held a knife to my face and threatened me with it silenced my voice for a long time. So i carried his energy and walked around life sneaking and hiding because if anyone found out who i was they would certainly exclude and throw me out. The result of this was that I excluded myself from life and wherever I went without really understanding how this happened and how i kept repeating this rape over and over in all areas of my life.
I realized this morning that only the love seeking me has finally entered my life for good. I could of never done it alone and for this my gratitude grows each day just like every plant in my garden. AS long as I rise and sing the beauty as I water it, the soil is rich and abundant. I no longer carry my uncle's energy with me and that event teaches today to honor the most sacred gift within me, my energy, my essence, my body. An essence of pure love.

Somewhere yesterday the thought of going to church with my mother emerged and I told my sister: "Hey! lets all go to church with mom who persistenly attends every Sunday morning and brings my little niece with her to be sorrounded by the power of community and joy as they all opened service with songs and teachings and prayer. I stood there present allowing this joy and unity to permeate within me and all of a sudden the judgments were gone and it didn't matter if I was christian or buddhist or whatever I was participating in the most profound gathering on Sunday morning with my family. It is my mother's dream to see us this way so as I gift and honor to her I can show up not only for myself but for her and this woman who besides being my mother represents all the mothers in my lineage.

So with this open heart I move through life like the river flows and nurtures all, as fluid and gentle an open heart can be. The more I grow my roots into this Earth, the more i give effortlessly and as a woman envision and dream a world full of harmony and joy, creating each day and sharing the beauty that we all are. If the heart is open there are no cravings, no need to manipulate and seek through an empty well. There is no need to cling to you for love, it is flowing all around through the winds and rivers and art and dance and cooking and laughter and planting and singing, it is infinite, boundless, prospering.

From the river in Sedona

Female Energy

Is like the river,
Easy flowing,
Gentle
Blending with the intuitive forces
And running with momentum
Around and thru the boulders
And curves

She becomes the little creek, the wise pond and mystical lake
She travels deep within her ocean
To ponder in her mystery
In her fluidity
Within each woman
And in the journey she becomes both the energy of time
And the absence of it,
Always nurturing…

Soothing she is
Relieving all thirst
Refreshing the mind,
Embracing all hearts
Female accompanies the male energy
Sharing her heart
It is an energy that transforms yet it easily
Moves,
Unto others
I am within, moving,
Transforming
Deeply
Into energy

Female encompasses the womb
From generation to generation
From love to love and I am swimming in it
Until the cold subsides and the body warms in
To the energy of the water
And I can swim within
Every rock and every pebble that has stood in
The way
it no longer holds me back
Because I am flowing through with great persistence.

Upholding the opening of Prosperity and Abundance

Opening heart and feeling the welcome of a new life has gently unfolded its support for weeks now since I started writing and following this thread. Now its about upholding this entrance into the abundance and prosperity that sorrounds all of us. Moving from the poverty mind, I look around and am reminded always, specially around the garden that there is no doubt there, when I loose track I stand there right in the middle of all the watermelons, tomatoes and cucumbers being supported by the corn and tobacco plant. That the voice that tells me that "you are never going to make it" its just an illusion, a old cop out.
Upholding this entrance means that no matter what happens, I stand strong and grounded, no matter what they say, I always breathe, deep and luscious breath that travels to the tip of my toes and back through the crown of my head. No matter who is not there and pretends to be there I speak from my heart, so each word is spoken from the fullness of my heart, speak from what my heart is made of. No matter which creditor knocks at my door, I have thanked them for their services and answered their calls. No matter, no matter how everything else unfolds I am standing strong and witnessing the beauty that you bring each day and even when I dont quite make, this is the part of the process and I stand up again and continue. I know already the tast of light and being in the light and rejoicing so abundantly that my heart feels like its going to explode from feeling soooo good!!! So I am grateful each moment, for each new experience you bring into my life, and it is prospering, it is full to the rim, now more than ever.

Debts

I told her it was an issue about money, not having enough, fear of repaying those loans and feeling stuck with resolution. So my life stops because how could it move forward, after all if you would hear the details you too would understand and say: you are right, nothing can done. But no we are here to feel the light, to be that light and these barriers are coming up for a great lesson. I can see most everything that comes across as a resistance to let the shine come through. Remembering back from childhood, I didn`t believe worthy enough to deserve being part of the prosperity or abundance, there was scarcity from the beggining so most of my life has been about "almost making it" "if I work hard enough" "other people can because they have more energy".

Owing money feels like being trapped, unable to move forward. Failed. I've been working since the age of 13... we would tell the people I would babysitt that I was 16, I always looked much older that I was to my advantage so we spend alot of times pretending, denying, covering up. So there was never enough, not enough clothes, activities, jewelry, houses, vacations, toys, cars. I take a breath in, remind myself that we are just clearing up the path.

So moving into the light, being that light means becoming acquainted each time, more and more that it is all an opportunity and that moving out of the fear of debts is stepping into affirming what I really am. A success!

Realizations

Being awoken at 4am. Not having any idea why I am awake and my fingers are itching for the keyboard, to form the words from afar, from within, from dreams. I've been working with languages since I can remember and the fascination for each vowel, the sound that comes together to form a phrase, to describe each moment, each life experience.

This hour before the sun rises is one of my favorites without a doubt, it is in-between still, there is hardly vibration of thoughts or conversations. All those sleeping are creating vibrations in their dreams, another land of mystery that I still know so little of.

As the sun rises the crows soar across the sky and caw in their journey amidst the city awakening.

There is a sensation of well-being around the house, the garden. A sneaky rat or squirrel, possum, not sure...has been eating the great tomatoes...These signs are subtle sometimes like the creature coming in to nibble on things and wait for my reaction. This time it was not a reaction but simply to notice where in my life I am not putting boundaries, where in my life do I need to have them and forgotten to use them.

We saged the garden one night and spoke to the creature to nibble on the north section of the garden. That we would be open to sharing the space, working to grow plants but with the intention of sharing.

So here it is daylight and a crystal at hand. A crystal a good friend of mine exchanged for a healing breathing session. The crystal I found yesterday has formation of triangles along the face side of it. According to my other friend, crystal expert, she said that these crystals come to us with certain messages and that if we sit down with it to meditate, the message will come sooner or later in some form, either in a dream or during waking hours, so pay attention.

These are the conversations with the Earth, at some point or another they come to you.

Acknowledging Support, universal support....

I've been contemplating and writing about support, why is it that alot of times there is this sensation that I am left alone in the middle of this vast universe and a great resistance to enter sleep, to enter that magical time of in between, so I do, do, do because somehow its never enough. So through the breath work I've learned that I am fully complete and whole and with an abundance of love flowing through me and that not only I am supported by a vastness that is always there but its constant and for free.
I am learning about the power and wisdom of the conversation with the Earth. The growth and timeless interconnection we have.
So endless doing of duty work becomes a doing of not feeling until recently. Once the heart opens there is a different vision in how to do things and where those seeds come from, what am I cultivating, caring and harvesting. Does each action support my vision of love, this new found love that needs to be cultivated so I can expand into all that I was intending when I crossed over to this planet, to this side of adventure.
To further take a walk this day, I walk with music in my heart, feeling the rhythm of great Earth, of the birds that with loyalty sing their heart. I will be open to hear the caress of clouds over my head, and the whisper of each visiting wind, the voices of each person I encounter today, they joy in my mother's prayers, the white cabbage butterflies that roam through each plant in the garden, each sound, the phones ringing in the office, the busy travellers east and west down National blvd...endless vibrations of life.

Yams and successes

My mother had saved some overgrown yams earlier this year. She has confidence in me as a gardener and held on to them until I came over. I felt this as a sign of affection and complete love that she has over me. She is always finding ways to connect with me and share her discoveries so when I see her there is no end to our conversations. So I took them and searched for a space on the edges of the garden to grow yams. I have never grown yams but remembered visiting a garden in the south of France where we were gathering the early potatoes of the season. They're mysterious underground roots and grow below the earth, as the plant grows it spreads over the ground like a great vine with beautiful funneled purple flowers.
It is six months since this time and I was walking barefoot around the garden pulling weeds and rising the falling tomatoe plants that are loaded with of all sorts of them. I decided to dig my hands into the ground to check and see if the yams were ready. Since the plant had flowered, I figured the yams were ready and indeed I found two rounded orange roots fitting in the palm of my hand. My mother´s touch and confidence permeated in my hands as I pulled them and thank the plant for such crops. I can´t wait to call my mother and share with her the success!
Success is something we talked about during my healing session with Katrina, she had suggested I write on this blog the successes of all the things, beings, forces that support and nurture me every day. This is the beggining...I will keep adding to it:

I´ll start with the garden and the yams of this morning!
My son, Jean Philippe for his wisdom and infinite love and choosing us as his parents.
Miles and Aerin for always believing in me and dreaming me forward with their impeccability.
I thank the support of my mother for her confidence and presence in my life.
My women friends who are forever linked with me.
David Elliott and the path of healing breath.
The healers and writers.
Paulina, my niece for her unbountiful wisdom.
Debbie, sister and soul mate of intimacy.
The support of this Earth always, always.
The winds for sharing the mysteries of this universe.
The Stars for lighting my path.
The guides and angels that walk by my side every day.

I am a beautiful woman on her spiritual journey of evolution
I am a writer and gardener and healer.
I am a mother, sister, friend and companion.
loyal.
generous,
kind,
a great listener,
poet,
bury´er
teacher

As I cultivate this garden, I learn to cultivate my love because without this love nothing grows, at least nothing a deeply rooted as the yams I held this morning in my hands. Cultivating love is watering and singing on a daily basis the ecstasy and gratitude of being alive. This morning I woke up and my breath was flowing throughout my body, that alone merits all the joy I can share and since my gift is to write I dedicate this to you with the longing to create and hold the belief that we can all awaken the different gifts we have.

Roots

Unfolding back the layers
of all these years,
Peeling back the skin
Shedding...

Knowing the embrace of the Earth
from within,
she is always there
I can finally trust
now beneath those layers
all the pretext of not being
is an illusion,

The center is revealing
as it speaks through your touch
She is soft, gentle but fierce
like light moving with the winds
speaking in all tones of conversation
like specks of black crows across the sky.

The language is poignant, peppery and spicy
at times if you are silent enough
the earth opens in its ripening
to sing in between the trail of ants
and enchanting owls permeating through
the stillness of the night.

It is perfect, on this perfect moment
as your roots expand and extend further
that is how the greatest storm ain´t moving
an inch of hair,
or a helpless strand of forgetfulness
randomly shifting through the boulevard

does not lure you into the alleys.

No,
The stand is tall and strong as a tree
free and deeply rooted
and this trunk you wear
rich in maple sap
has the coating you ever needed
and every story foretold as it is.
As it truly is.

Peeling back the opening....

Opening further the crack of relentless love, peeling back the soft transparent skin ready to fruit the full term baby inside, yes it is time like never before, in fact time has become the ticking pulse of every creation and movement surrounding me. I am allowing for that to happen. Green as the summer melon leaves that spread over the earth like a layer of new skin. New skin that I’ve waiting to blanket myself with. Opening the crack further is frightening at times, as if the light might possibly burn my eyes and in it I learn compassion as I feel my own fragility, which is the same fragility I see in your eyes. So the exchange might be that I close my eyes and let the heart guide completely, fully.

Last time I talked about responsibility that comes from opening heart and rather than an obstacle it has become the pillar of each action. Will I be strong enough to invite the light that brought me here? Will I bear to feel all those emotions that travel with the winds from afar, in their essence without shattering across my room into a million pieces? Will I bear the complete joy of freedom feeling grounded and strong like the great Sequoias?

I feel the love like never before and as a result I feel the brightness of all colors around me, the texture of every leaf, the dragonflies before me on their journey, the sounds of running water loud and clear, constant and determined, I feel the great waves thundering below my feet and its current pulling in each direction.

I am moving forward within every second shedding energies that no longer pertain to this body. I am inviting the breath, its softness and warmth to travel in every cell of my lineage, to finally let down the guards and move with each ebb and flow that my body knows beyond my own barriers. How will this transparency sustain your words and thoughts, your actions and differences as they come face to face with my new skin?

Opening Heart

Jogging by the beach with my friend the other morning, I mentioned to her that in order to appreciate and be grateful about things I have, I had to have an open heart, otherwise how could I be in touch with gratitude, from what place could I receive and give. That would explain the many times I've had gifts, new friends, family that truly love me and from my inside nothing is happening and I've gone through life like a visitor, roaming through airports, just hanging out waiting for the next flight, going to a new city, walking like a zombie through new streets, new blocks, houses and people and each time I get off the plane the same suit comes down, the same tricks descend...maybe some new ones but the same mold, perhaps a little older but the same walk maybe a new suitcase with some new suits but nothing can dress the closed heart.
So it gets harder and harder to feel anything at all until one day I am touched, visited by something greater and there it is…a crack, small enough to transmit all that light and all the possible irregularities that make it possible to persist, to dig deep into what I really am. All of a sudden those roots below my feet start travelling faster than I´ve ever imagined and they better be thick because now with an open heart comes in responsability. The responsability that I are becoming that bridge that extends to villages not just to the next airport but my bridge is widening by the second and others can cross and meet me on the other side, that is the beauty of an open heart, my shoulders are pulled back and the chest rises with every breath I take and my rib cage widens between each lightning of expansion. So now, its not that it becomes easier for take off but without resistance the flight is smoother and I am not just a visitor looking for a new city, I am that city, I am those beautiful streets, those ancient trees, those adventurous winds. I am that second ticking with presence.
Opening heart is a broad avenue travelling to all the villages in me that are ready to be born and exchange between that greater light that has been knocking at my door for quite some time now and the beggining of a song that we all seem to be singing.

Open Heart

Jogging by the beach with my friend the other morning, I mentioned to her that in order to appreciate and be grateful about things you had, you had to have an open heart, otherwise how could you be in touch with gratitude, from what place could you receive and give. That would explain the many times one has gifts, new friends, family that truly love you and from inside nothing is happening and you go through life like visitor through airports, just hanging out waiting for the next flight, going to a new city, new streets, blocks, houses and people but when you get off the plane the same suit comes down, the same tricks descend...maybe some new ones but the same mold, perhaps a little older but the same suitcase, some new suits but nothing can dress the closed heart.
So it gets harder and harder to feel anything at all until one day you are touched by something greater and there it is…a crack, small enough to transmit all that light, all the possible irregularities that make it possible to persist, to dig deep into what you really are. All of a sudden those roots below your feet start travelling faster than you´ve ever imagined and they better be thick because now with an open heart comes in responsability. The responsability that you are becoming that bridge that extends to villages not just to the next airport but your bridge is widening by the second and others can cross and meet you on the other side, that is the beauty of an open heart, your shoulders are pulled back and the chest rises with every breath you take and your rib cage widens between each lightning of expansion.
So now, its not that it becomes easier for take off but without resistance the flight is smoother and you are not just a visitor looking for a new city, you are that city, you are those streets, those trees, those winds. You just are that second ticking with presence.

Reacquainted with Tobacco

I am here in this path learning about relationships.

Relationship with self, relationship with family, friends, lover, Mother Earth, creatures, beings of nature, is a creative thread that allows my heart to open and learn to receive and give.

Learning how to relate to the other and communicate, share my feelings, messages of whatever is going on beyond my ego. One of the reasons my growth has remained in the adolescent stage is the fear to unbind, to take risks for fear of being rejected, not loved, made fun of, not being part of, seeking validation. So it has seemed safer to sneak through life and remain unseen, small and insignificant than to share with you what I feel, how I feel, what to feel when I don’t even allow the space for true feelings. The stage of victimhood and survivor were roles I took on early in childhood, these were in a way a learning experience to mark a difference between responsibility and a being who thrives.
They lingered in my life as a stage of survival and it certainly served its purpose for many years but now other tools are emerging loud and clear. Now rather than survival and protection they have become a hindrance and too heavy to bear.
For example, the healing relationship with the garden, showing up for this experience has certainly changed my view of life. The new relationship of the power plant tobacco is something I wanted to write about. I was given seeds by my teacher David Elliott in HT4 for sowing and learning about, to distinguish the difference between my misuse and the true interaction that exists between us. It’s not specifically the tobacco plant or seeds but my relationship with mother Earth. Learning about respect between us is the lesson I am experiencing. My first reaction as the seeds were being passed around was to repel, to abstain because of my abuse and misuse of it. Then as it got closer I felt there was a huge opportunity in learning from it. Take and learn from it because there are many stories unfolding from it, I heard. So I wrapped them in the white soft tissue and put it away carefully in the zippered pocket of my bag.
That is the beginning.
Sitting in meditation around the garden this morning I quietly search for a place to grow the seeds, I realized that in order to have a relationship with these new seeds, I like to know more about its past. The only thing I knew up to now is that I smoked it early on in elementary, it was cool, it shut off the noise. It also kept me away from everyone, including myself. So for the next 30 something years I continued to misuse it, throw it away in hopes of quitting and if there were moments of consciousness to stop, I did but only temporarily.

The seeds are very small and abundant. They feel tiny but powerful like each one a night on its own. Fertility and prosperity among them, that is what it feels like. I planted them over the compost ground then I saged the area and sat quietly with the full moon and slowly layed them over open ground to begin. I come early each day to see if any of them have surfaced yet.
For the Native American community, tobacco is viewed as a plant with sacred character, and it is a mainstay of native ceremonies. For some Native American tribes, tobacco smoke has been traditionally used to cure illness, to purify, and as a form of prayer. Some tribes cultivate tobacco crops as a reflection of great respect.

So I come to addiction and how this plays in our lives, in my life. It can be in the genes, it can be a pattern learned early on through family, I don’t know if its exactly one thing or the other but I can see that if the spirit is broken, ignored, empty or absent many different sets of addictions come in. It’s like becoming blind and substituting the vision for what seems to comfort the eye but with the lack of Spirit the tendency to fall into or draw in harmful ways to soothe the emptiness is temporary and it seems to create a greater hunger and never ending feeding.

The relationship needs to be honored, cherished and tended to carefully. Watching with awe as it grows among the furrows each day. They are being watered daily as the seeds germinate and break through among the fertile soil that we’ve become. There are no guarantees but the success is in not giving up because there is always a possibility. A new idea. One of the healers I’ve been working with told me recently: Are you willing to walk the tight rope and I say yes everyday now! To find the rhythm of time, to weave through the cycle of the day, to atune without the addiction is another great success and in that success I learn a new relationship.

These are the new seeds of tobacco and corn...slowly germinating towards the sky!

Zuchini Morning Glory

The Furrow of Prosperity