Depression

Today while riding the bus, I was wondering how I haven’t written and it’s been a pretty dry season, literally speaking here in Costa Rica we are experiencing a serious dry heat wave in rainy season, where it is supposed to rain every day and sometimes all night long and everyday it seems like summer, and as far as my writing is concerned I have not sat down to write like I use to.

However, this morning during my one hour trip to work, I kept thinking about Robin Williams’ death, and I realize it doesn’t matter where you are, in my case “central America” you feel this great loss. His movies in general affected me, he carried a message, he transmitted the message and I would go as far to say he carried the light and it burned through his passion and art. He felt, and could transform like a magician transforms. Yet, he suffered depression, lack of a spirit connection some say, desperately seeking it,

too many falls, and it got to me, on the other side of the planet –

My whole family has suffered from depression, some of us tried to commit suicide more than once.

Some died.

Some drowned into alcoholism

Some are still denying any of the abuse happened.

“You just bury it and move on” Is one of the family’s motto to deal with the pain.

Some simply died while still alive

Some simply died while still living

Some tried drugs until they could feel nothing –

Some mutilated their bodies in order to feel.

And so you wonder after all this work,

This rise, this passion to give and make people laugh, these great films with great messages and all the money to prosper and share and help and give….

Then come home and be in so much pain, guilt, remorse, whatever shadow took over that was so overpowering that you had to slash your wrist and hang yourself to end this life. And perhaps that is all that he could give at the end.

There are people angry “it was too soon” was their comment from his suicide….like 20 years later it would of made a difference?

Others are saddened by this because we are all connected, and some of us have lived it closer than others,

Others prefer not to talk about it, feeling too exposed to reveal what the heart feels , and we do feel, I feel this loss like a brother I never met in person but a soul I knew.